My Very Lazy Not-So-Good-But-Oh-Well-I-Tried-Anyway South Park Fanfiction

Here you are. Takes place during The Coon. It’s purposefully written this way…just in case you thought this was a serious story. I apologize in advance if anyone’s out of character and/or if it sucks balls.

…

It was a beautiful summer day in the town of Who Gives A Fuck (because disclosing my real location is dangerous). Lizzie was riding her bike into town so she could check out more library books. She still had ten bucks to pay and the librarians wouldn’t let her forget it, but she never had money with her, and much like the town’s namesake, she really didn’t give a fuck. 

The adults on the sidewalk glared at her as she rode by, but again, she didn’t give a fuck. Adults here were rather cranky because they hated bikers riding on their precious sidewalks. Lizzie fought the urge to flip them off and kept focus on getting to the library. 

When she got there, she realized it was the worst time of the day: the middle-aged, self-righteous adults that made up half of the town came to the library in the early afternoon. Being away at college for nine months of the year, Lizzie wasn’t too used to these bastards, but the past few days had been almost unbearable because of them.

They would talk in loud voices, messing up her concentration on finding exactly what book she wanted. They’d take up all the seats at the computers, Internet connection or not. They’d shove their way through the building, not caring if they crushed little children or not. But no one said anything. Lizzie could hardly understand why, but turned her attention instead to the Nicholas Sparks books.

A large forty-year-old man walked into the aisle and stood right beside her, making her rather uncomfortable at his obvious disregard of personal space. She tried to lean a bit away from him, but he merely ignored her, grumbling to himself and stepping on her foot.

“Ouch!” She frowned, pulling her shoe out from under the man’s large Croc. Her toes were tingling painfully as she waited for him to apologize. He didn’t.

“Excuse me,” she said.

He kept grumbling to himself.

“Excuse me!”

He turned to look at her, clearly disinterested.

“Would you please give me a bit of space? You stepped on my foot, and I don’t think there’s -“

“Why don’t you move your bony little ass?” He turned back to the shelves. “You’re too young for grown-up books.”

“I’m almost twenty years old.” She put her hands on her hips. “I’m old enough to know -“

The man wasn’t even listening. He was too busy trying to pull four or five books at a time off the shelf in front of him.

“I’m talking to you!” Lizzie cried, her voice rising in anger. “Why won’t you  listen?!”

The man succeeded in pulling a dozen books off of the shelf, and they tumbled to the floor with a series of loud thumps. One took a detour and bounced off of Lizzie’s head, sending her to the floor, where she hit her head a bit hard and passed out.

…

When she became conscious, Lizzie found herself tied to a wooden chair. It was night now, and she seemed to be surrounded by abandoned storage units. She couldn’t move very much; her hands were restrained behind her.

“What the fuck?” She looked around. “Hello? Could someone help me?”

No one answered. She continued to struggle, her teeth gritted.

“HELLO? Someone help!”

“No one is here to help you,” came a voice to her right. 

“What?” She squinted through the darkness. “Is…is someone there?”

A bright light shone in her face, causing her to squeeze her eyes shut. “Fuck!” She turned her face away.

“This is only the beginning of your torture,” came the voice again; it sounded closer this time. “I can promise you that this isn’t the worst I have planned for you.”

“What?…Who are you?” She opened her eyes a bit, looking at the source of the voice. It was a little blond boy, a tin-foil mask on his face and a green cape tied around his neck.

“I am…Professor Chaos!” 

Lizzie had no idea what to think. What the hell was going on? Why on earth did this little kid want her tied up and tortured?

“And as soon as your hero arrives, I’ll make sure the both of you don’t make it out alive!” He gave an evil laugh - at least she thought it was supposed to be evil - and turned to a smaller boy with red hair and tinfoil on his face. “Disarray! Make the light brighter!”

“Who the hell is my hero?” She closed her eyes as the light shone brighter.

“As if you didn’t know! I’m supposed to kidnap the hero’s girl and hold her hostage. That’s what villains do.”

“Would you knock it off and let me go?!” She shook her head. “I think you’re mistaken. I’m -“

“Let her go, Chaos!”

Lizzie cracked an eye open as the light moved away from her face and onto whomever had spoken. A third boy was present, wider than the first two and wearing a raccoon nose and ears. Silver claws gleamed in the glow of the spotlight.

“Who the fuck is this?” she asked.

“I knew you’d come, Coon,” said the boy named Professor Chaos. “But you’re too late! She’s already been blinded by my super-bright camping flashlight! And soon you will be just as sightless as she is!” 

“Seriously?” The boy - Coon - straightened from his action pose. “Butters, that’s fucking retarded.”

“Butters? Who - who is this Butters?” Chaos stuttered a bit, caught off-guard. “I am Professor Chaos!” 

“I was sort of hoping for you to have her dangling from a building or something!”

“I didn’t have enough rope for that, Eric!”

“I’m the Coon, dammit! My name is the Coon, Butters!”

Lizzie stayed quiet through this entire exchange her expression growing more and more worrisome. “Excuse me?” she finally said.

All three boys turned to her.

“Who the hell are you, and why the fuck am I tied up? I’d really like to go home now.”

“What does it look like I’m trying to do, bitch?” the Coon boy said rudely. “I’m rescuing you, ungrateful whore.”

“Hey! You don’t talk to me like that!”

“Shut up! I do what I want!” 

“Shouldn’t you guys be in bed or something?”

“Evil never rests,” Chaos said, “not even for bedtime!”

“Which is why you’re not going to get away with this, Chaos!” The Coon leaped forward, silver claws outstretched. He swung at Chaos, drawing a bit of blood from his arm.

“Ow! Eric, you’re not supposed to scratch me!”

“My claws are fair game, Chaos. You’re not playing the victim this time!” He swung again, chasing after the retreating blond.

“Disarray! Help!” 

The little redhead followed the two retreating boys, and they rounded the corner as the Coon continued his advance. Their voices grew fainter, and Lizzie was left alone.

“Hey!” she called. “Can someone please untie me?! I’d like to go home now, you little bastards!”

She continued to struggle to no avail, and slowly realized they weren’t going to come back - at least not soon. She let out a huff of air, groaning in defeat and standing up and - 

Wait a minute…

“Stay still.” Someone was behind her. She froze, a pair of hands undoing the knots at her wrists. She flexed them, sighing in relief.

“Thank you. Someone has some decency, at least.” She turned around, unable to see who’d freed her. She squinted, the night obscuring him.

“Follow me. They’ll be back any second.” He grabbed her hand, pulling her along as he ran through the maze of lockers.

“Whoa, wait a second!” She pulled away from him. “Who the hell are you supposed to be?”

“You don’t need to know.”

“Then how am I supposed to trust you?”

“Would you rather be waiting for those three to come back?”

She was grudgingly silent, and he took her hand once again. “We have to hurry. If they find out I’m here, they’ll never let me go.”

“What do you mean they won’t let you go?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Of course it -“

“FREEZE!” 

A beam of light hit them, and Lizzie was able to finally get a good look at her rescuer. He was a boy, like the other three; his form was covered by a purple cape, a bright green question mark bouncing on his head. Two blue eyes tried to adjust themselves to the bright light. 

“Goddammit! It’s that Mysterion kid again!” The Coon came forward, his arms folded. “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m the hero, not you!”

“You think this is being heroic? Having a petty fight behind some storage units and ignoring someone who really needs help?”

“Just get out of here! I’m supposed to rescue her, so get the hell out and let me do my job!”

“She was still tied up when I got here,” the boy beside her deadpanned.

“Yeah, well, I was busy! And for your information, I got those two pussy villains tied up with the rope, so you’re welcome.”

“Thank you, then. I have to escort her home now -“

“Oh, no. No way. She’s my responsibility, and I’m going to take her home.”

“Do you even know where she lives?”

“Sure I do! She…she lives right down the street…from…”

While he was answering, the boy had produced some firecrackers from his cape and lit them. Tossing them away, Lizzie was yanked forward, following him out of the storage units and onto the street. The Coon was nowhere in sight.

“Thank you…again.” They stood under a streetlight, illuminating the boy’s face. “…Mysterion.”

“It’s what I do. Protect the innocent from those who would otherwise put them in harm’s way.” 

“You seem a little young to be out this late.”

“You shouldn’t worry about me.” He put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s time for you to wake up.”

“What?”

“Wake up…”

…

“Hello? Miss? Wake up!”

Lizzie blinked, sitting up and rubbing her head. She was on one of the reading couches in the library, an ice pack on her forehead and a librarian sitting over her.

“Are you alright?”

“I…I think so.”

“Good. I’m not getting payed to play doctor.” The librarian promptly stood up and walked away. Lizzie rolled her eyes, leaving the ice pack on the table and standing up.

She had plenty of questions she would have liked to ask. How long had she been out? Where was the jerk who’d caused her to fall? How hard had she hit her head? Knowing they’d all go unanswered, she made for the front doors of the library.

On her way out, something stopped her. There was a comic book on display to her left, with a big green question mark on the front. “Who is Mysterion?” ran across the top.

…

Ta-daaaaaaa. Sorry if it sucks. Again.